Books 9-26 of the Impatiens series are available as a free eBook download here.
Book 9: Superior Bodies II Electric Boogaloo
Joshua and Jacob Kelly and blind old Pekingese Honey Bunches of Oats join Christian Gallagher on a summer promotional tour of the least successful Superior Bodies, hitting clubs in Mississippi, Texas, Wyoming, clubs that are located in what were once a church, police station, barn, Bates-like motel, private mansion and Woolworth’s. As delightful is that their trip is filled with all of the mystery, murder, incest, revenge, rescue, strange sex, alcohol, drug abuse, hocus pocus and heroism that fill an average day in Christian’s wack-a-doodle life.
Book 11: Stable Boy
Bentley Howard produces another Montverde-based reality show, this time featuring the spoiled younger son of the late Randy Abel, former lead singer of 80s boy band “Stable Boys.” Bentley puts Christian Gallagher in charge of the handsome, talented and completely unlikable young man and the doomed show, the finale of which will be a New Years Eve reunion of Stable Boys: Montverde’s dean Dean Simon, Ocala millionaire Dick Solmes, Clearwater mental patient Dary Beaumont and, if Christian doesn’t kill him first, Stable Boy Garrett Abel.
Book 13: A Special Appearance
Christian Gallagher and Superior Mutts operations manager Grayson Abel stay up all night caring for thirteen sick pit bull puppies abandoned at the club. Christian keeps his friend awake by describing the eight second season episodes of nighttime drama “Winter Key” he wrote and on which he appears. A year before, producer Bentley Howard called his former English teacher and said, “Right now ‘Winter Key’ is as dull as ‘The O.C.,’ ‘90210’ and ‘One Tree Hill.’ Do something." In one season Christian turns the standard soap into a wacky cult favorite with episodes on which he appears as Connor Ransom, a gay white male version of Samia Siva. So jazzed is Grayson by the goings-on on “Winter Key,” and so moved are Christian and Bentley by his war service and rescue effort, they offer the blind, disabled vet the opportunity to make a special appearance of his own.
Book 15: An Elite Force
An actors’ strike halts production on “Winter Key,” so Christian Gallagher stays busy on “An Elite Force,” a 30-minute internet faux reality show featuring a team of hookers-by-day, mercenaries-by-night and featuring his friends and family. Christian also agrees to run a book club at Sea Grass Penitentiary. Upon discovering club members were hand-picked by the warden and have all committed arguably justifiable homicides, Christian determines she recruited him in order to bust the inmates out of the unguarded classroom in which meetings are held. Find out who escapes, who gets killed and how much the book club members prefer visiting and listening to each others’ stories rather than actually reading. Anything. At all. Nothing. Not one book...
Book 17: Kitty, Bonnie and Everyone in Between
Christian and Linden leave Lil’ Jacob and Lil’ Samia with their legal parents, throw The Whore of Babylon in their Miata and hit the road for a working vacation of Superior Bodies sales calls. They hit Atlanta and Asheville before becoming fugitives rescuing a motherless infant from her abusive father, and not even their friend Special Agent Everett Jones can help them. As they head to Mexico and freedom they’re joined by Christian’s cousin Kitty, also on the run, and a dehydrated beagle puppy a homeless guy was using for donations at a highway exit. Find out if the fellas get away with their latest crime, how many people they have to shoot to do so, and how pissed off they are at the guy from whom they bought aliases, ‘cuz he thought it’d be funny to rename them both Charlie.
Book 19: Moving Bodies
Still living in Santa Fe as Charlie Cash, Christian begins 2014 recovering from a gunshot wound he got protecting two orphan migrant children from a couple of female Mexican assassinatrixes. His doctor orders him to take it easy, but instead he helps his friends at Homefires move the corpses of an apparently random guest, animal hoarder, child trafficker, junkie motel resident, gold-digging personal trainer, another assassin and, sadly, an adolescent runaway. Christian finds relief from the tiresome task of burying bodies in a field behind the hotel finding homes for rescued dogs, producing a teen transvestite beauty pageant for a cable TV network and enjoying surprise visits from family, both living and dead.
Book 21: Wyn
A couple of unsuccessful attempts on his life lead Christian and Linden to believe the abusive father from whom they rescued Ellie Beckett has found them. They leave Santa Fe quickly, and with a surrogate mother whose client canceled their contract when they discovered their son would be born without a profound disability. Christian and Linden agree to adopt the boy, whom they take to Wysteria, a psychic community in larger Talbot, Fla., located an hour away from Orlando. Living as Charley and Chuck, Wyn Gallagher-Midwinter's daddies make new friends and enjoy fresh adventures while hiding in plain sight, stealing weekend visits with Lil' Jacob and Lil' Samia and remaining FBI fugitives.
Book 23: Andrew Gallagher
A charming busybody, genuine psychic, the Wysteria hotel's young manager, two high schoolers and a Rowaneck classmate who fancies himself Christian Gallagher's nemesis find themselves in the hotel lobby when a gunman opens fire. As horrible as the shooting is, Christian suffers additional trauma when he learns William and Joan Gallagher had a tenth child who died at birth but who has played a larger role in his life than his parents, siblings and even Linden. Andrew rescues his brother from the shooting when he compels him to use another person as a human shield. Who that person is, how Christian reacts to what appears to be an act of cowardice, and how much control has had over his own life are explored when Andrew Gallagher checks in to the Wysteria Hotel.
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Book 25: Killing William Jr.
William Gallagher Jr. and his wife, Susan, retire to Boca Raton where they volunteer at the Boca Glades Homeless Co-op. On his way back from a shift, William Jr. is set upon by a couple of skinheads who beat him into a coma. Christian believes the attack is related to his brother's work at the shelter, and goes undercover as a volunteer to find out who is behind it. Aided by a drug and alcohol-addicted streetwalker, Christian discovers both the alarming number of people who want William Jr. dead, and something he and his other siblings find even more surprising about their brother and his family.
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Book 10: The Maitlands of Montverde
Bentley Howard produces a reality show at Montverde College featuring Ben Maitland, a sci-fi/fantasy TV icon, and his son Reid. Christian Gallagher's influence steers the show away from the college and to the animal rights movement in which he has become active. The effort results in wacky and effective demonstrations, a couple of precious rescued mutts and a significant increase in viewership. Everyone's happy, including the babies Christian and Linden adopt from the Bismark crisis nursery, until visiting Montverde professor Sean Gallagher discovers something that will make the first season of "The Maitlands of Montverde" its last.
Book 12: The Wedding Party
Christian Gallagher returns to Rowaneck to be a groomsman for his needy and irritating high school classmate Erin Fleming and her loser fiance. Also in the wedding party are their still-sexy-at-sixty-eight social studies teacher Bobby O’Day and three other classmates: artist and former model Sabrina Landon, author Jonathan Tanner and Broadway star Cassandra Frankel. As so often happens in Christian’s world, someone dies, though in this case he didn’t do it. Instead he and Rowaneck Police Chief Victor van den Bosch, to whom Christian lost his virginity after watching “Valley of the Dolls” in 1979, figure out who did. As interesting as all of this is, the best part of his visit, to him, the Rowaneck High student body and millions of youtube viewers, is when Christian winds up an impromptu Career Day presentation and Rowneck High by launching himself off the stage of the school auditorium at a sixteen year-old who makes the very large mistake of insulting one of the Gallaghers, who were, are and will always be in the coolest family in Rowaneck.
Book 14: The Orient Express
A series of events that include his nephew Billy’s suicide and discovering that he and two former classmates have no memory of second grade lead Christian Gallagher to spend the summer of 2011 recalling that lost year and demonstrating unusually wacky and increasingly violent behavior. Linden, his friends and family watch Christian commit arson, beat up a couple of Lady Lake teen punks and slash the washboard abs of twin models hired to be his dates to the Superior Bodies Atlanta grand opening. Forty-five year old Christian ultimately remembers the horribly violent experience that occurred in the spring of 1974 and the classic movie that inspired it as he tracks down Buck Owen in order to stab him twelve times for having caused the death of five superior mutts years before. Christian Gallagher has long enjoyed administering justice to wrongdoers. What a delightful surprise for him to discover his murderous vigilantism began at age SEVEN.
Book 16: Blue
Investigative journalist, author and transgender Bina Dunkle visits Orlando and Superior Bodies in order to participate in the Florida Film Festival, as it will feature the work of reclusive 60’s child star Deacon “Blue” Ducette, whose biography she wrote. Sadly, she can’t make it because she gets murdered in the club’s lounge. Though not a formal suspect, a generally unconcerned Christian Gallagher is assaulted by Bina’s lover, her brothers, the investigating detective and even her real killer. Each time he is rescued by Charlie “Crock” Crockett, a grizzled old Florida cracker and Superior Bodies’ newest staff member, whose real identity is revealed when he tackles one of Christian’s assailants into the pool where he loses his brown contact lenses, revealing eyes that are a striking shade of “Blue.”
Book 18: Poolside at Homefires
Charlie Cash and Charlie Murray live incognito at a motel in Santa Fe, spending their days by the piece of shit pool and getting into everyone’s personal business. Among their new friends are a flaky foster mother and the five boys who look after her, a couple of lonely middle-school bookworms, two Mexican kids orphaned by a drug cartel and a baseball prodigy who enjoys getting up in drag and winning pre-teen beauty pageants while no one’s looking. Christian (sorry, "Charlie") considers these kids and determines he needs to create a baseball team even though he knows nothing about the sport. Enjoy him coach the Homefire Homies, a team that makes the Bad News Bears look, you know, white, male, privileged and, what’s the word? Oh right, NORMAL.
Book 20: Baker Steele & Other Grand Things
Rowaneck's chief of police and Christian's first lay, Victor Van Den Bosch, is on life support after being attacked as he investigated a rare murder in the New York City suburb. Christian risks arrest to visit his old lover, sharing memories of high school adventures he had with their mutual friend Baker Steele. They include a visit to the notorious Action Park ("Traction Park," "Class Action Park") in New Jersey, playing Mary to Baker's James Tyrone in their senior year production of "Long Day's Journey Into Night," and going to prom on Baker's arm. Christian discovers quickly who hurt V-Bosch, and he and Baker dispatch the attacker in the grand way Christian, his loved ones and everyone in wealthy, exclusive Rowaneck, New York, seem to do everything.
Book 22: Places, Bitch
Bentley Howard, Samia Siva and the Kelly twins help Christian produce “My Fair Lady” at an all-black high school in a poor community adjacent to Wysteria. A bigger challenge than he thought, he asks his brother Sean for guidance. His advice causes Christian to reflect on Sean's greatest hits, including a talent show he arranges on an airplane grounded on 9-11, a My Mother's Fleabag improv he inserts himself into in order to show up the troupe's manipulative director, and a Rowaneck High School production of “Carousel” in which Sean arranges for their siblings to appear as the Snow children. It's a performance Christian risks arrest to recreate with his brothers and sister, for Sean, at the Portland Rose Theater Company.
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Book 24: SB 3, Sabrina and Me
Sabrina Landon joins Christian in a tour of Superior Bodies clubs that also includes visits to his friends in Wayward, Mississippi, Albuquerque and Chicago. Among the new clubs he visits is one staffed exclusively by military veterans with severe physical disabilities, another staffed exclusively by Haitians, all of whom are devout Catholics, and a third staffed exclusively by buff young men all of whom are required to add a 'y' to the end of their names, even Carl (“Carly”) and Juan (“Juany”). Most exciting, and dangerous, is a visit they make to upstate New York to see Christian's Uncle Jimmy, a retired priest they discover is living in circumstances similar to those of Aunt Bonnie several years before. Enjoy Christian and Sabrina as they crash Peter and Olan Brody's strip show posing as their parents, arrange a funeral mass Christian conducts and, as so often happens, kill evil people.
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Book 26: Daywalkers
Christian Gallagher reluctantly remembers Boston College, where he spent four years living in a beautiful old Victorian house he and his three roommates named “Venable,” after Sebastian Venable from Tennessee Williams' “Suddenly Last Summer.” What was a safe place for Bob, Nick, Scooter and Christian, four gay students at the generally homophobic Catholic university in the mid-eighties, became an exclusive salon, invitations to whose soirees were sought after by the school and city's elite. Venable's residents come to think of themselves as very special indeed: working out, hosting orgies and carrying themselves as vampires able to endure the sun. Their hauteur is punished as each of the roommates suffers a comeuppance so severe and sad it takes Christian thirty years to acknowledge Venable and its daywalkers.
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