Books 9-38Books 9-22 of the Impatiens series are available as a free eBook download here.
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Book 9: Superior Bodies II Electric BoogalooJoshua & Jacob Kelly and blind old Pekingese Honey Bunches of Oats join Christian Gallagher on a summer promotional tour of the least successful Superior Bodies, hitting clubs in rural Florida, Mississippi, Texas, Wyoming, North Dakota and Maine. As with most Superior Bodies, these clubs are located in what were once something else: a church, police station, barn, Bates-like motel, private mansion and Woolworth’s. As delightful is that their trip is filled with all of the mystery, murder, incest, revenge, rescue, strange sex, alcohol, drug abuse, hocus pocus and heroism that fill an average day in Christian’s wack-a-doodle life. Oh, and the fellas learn Portuguese as they drive 'cuz they got a language CD and lots of driving time. They totally become fluent. In Portuguese! And at Superior Bodies Assisi, in Ontario, Canada, Honey Bunches of Oats becomes a vampire dog and saves Christian from this other vampire that first appeared in "Montverde"...and...well...yeah...lots 'o fun.
Book 11: Stable Boy
Bentley Howard produces another Montverde-based reality show, this time featuring Garrett Abel, the spoiled younger son of the late Randy Abel, former lead singer of 80s boy band “Stable Boys.” Bentley puts Christian Gallagher in charge of the handsome, talented and completely unlikable young man and his doomed show, the finale of which will be a New Years Eve reunion of Stable Boys: Montverde’s dean Dean Simon, Ocala millionaire Dick Solmes, Clearwater mental patient Dary Beaumont and, if Christian doesn’t kill him first, Stable Boy Garrett.
Book 13: A Special Appearance
Christian Gallagher and Superior Mutts operations manager Grayson Abel stay up all night caring for thirteen sick pit bull puppies abandoned at the club. Christian keeps his friend awake by describing the eight second season episodes of nighttime drama “Winter Key” he wrote and in which he appears. A year before, producer Bentley Howard called his former English teacher and said, “Right now ‘Winter Key’ is as dull as ‘The O.C.,’ ‘90210’ and ‘One Tree Hill.’ Do something." In one season Christian turns the standard soap into a wacky cult favorite with episodes on which he appears as Connor Ransom, a gay white male version of Samia Siva. So jazzed is Grayson by the goings-on on “Winter Key,” and so moved are Christian and Bentley by his war service and rescue effort, they offer the blind, disabled vet the opportunity to make a special appearance of his own.
Book 15: An Elite Force
An actors’ strike halts production on “Winter Key,” so Christian Gallagher stays busy on “An Elite Force,” a 30-minute internet faux reality show featuring a team of hookers-by-day, mercenaries-by-night and including his friends and family. Christian also agrees to run a book club at Sea Grass Penitentiary. Upon discovering club members were hand-picked by the warden and have all committed arguably justifiable homicides, Christian determines she recruited him in order to bust the inmates out of the unguarded classroom in which meetings are held. Find out who escapes, who gets killed and how much the book club members prefer visiting and listening to each others’ stories rather than actually reading. Anything. At all. Nothing. Not one book...
Book 17: Kitty, Bonnie and Everyone in Between
Christian and Linden leave Lil’ Jacob and Lil’ Samia with their legal parents, throw The Whore of Babylon in their Miata and hit the road for a working vacation of Superior Bodies sales calls. They hit Atlanta and Asheville before becoming fugitives rescuing a motherless infant from her abusive father, and not even their friend Special Agent Everett Jones can help them. As they head to Mexico and freedom they’re joined by Christian’s cousin Kitty, also on the run, and a dehydrated beagle puppy a homeless guy was using for donations at a highway exit. Find out if the fellas get away with their latest crime, how many people they have to shoot to do so, and how pissed off they are at the guy from whom they bought aliases, ‘cuz he thought it’d be funny to rename them both Charlie.
Book 19: Moving Bodies
Still living in Santa Fe as Charlie Cash, Christian begins 2014 recovering from a gunshot wound he got protecting two orphan migrant children from a couple of female Mexican assassinatrixes. His doctor orders him to take it easy, but instead he helps his friends at Homefires move the corpses of an apparently random guest, animal hoarder, child trafficker, junkie motel resident, gold-digging personal trainer, another assassin and, sadly, an adolescent runaway. Christian finds relief from the tiresome task of burying bodies in a field behind the hotel finding homes for rescued dogs, producing a teen transvestite beauty pageant for a cable TV network and enjoying surprise visits from family, both living and dead.
Book 21: Wyn
A couple of unsuccessful attempts on his life lead Christian and Linden to believe the abusive father from whom they rescued Ellie Beckett has found them. They leave Santa Fe quickly, and with a surrogate mother whose client canceled their contract when they discovered their son would be born without a profound disability. Christian and Linden agree to adopt the boy, whom they take to Wysteria, a psychic community in larger Talbot, Fla., located an hour away from Orlando. Living as Charley and Chuck, Wyn Gallagher-Midwinter's daddies make new friends and enjoy fresh adventures while hiding in plain sight, stealing weekend visits with Lil' Jacob and Lil' Samia and remaining FBI fugitives.
Book 23: Andrew Gallagher
A charming busybody, genuine psychic, the Wysteria Hotel's young manager, two high schoolers and a Rowaneck classmate who fancies himself Christian Gallagher's nemesis find themselves in the hotel lobby when a gunman opens fire. As horrible as the shooting is, Christian suffers additional trauma when he learns William and Joan Gallagher had a tenth child who died at birth but who has played a larger role in his life than his parents, siblings and even Linden. His dead brother Andrew rescues his brother from the shooting when he compels him to use another person as a human shield. Who that person is, how Christian reacts to what appears to be an act of cowardice, and how much control he has had over his own life are explored when Andrew Gallagher checks in to the Wysteria Hotel.
DOWNLOAD HERE (coming soon) Book 25: Killing William Jr.
William Gallagher Jr. and his wife, Susan, retire to Boca Raton where they volunteer at the Boca Glades Homeless Co-op. On his way back from a shift, William Jr. is set upon by a couple of skinheads who beat him into a coma. Christian believes the attack is related to his brother's work at the shelter, and goes undercover as a volunteer to find out who is behind it. Aided by a drug and alcohol-addicted streetwalker, Christian discovers both the alarming number of people who want William Jr. dead, and something he and his other siblings find even more surprising about their brother and their family.
DOWNLOAD HERE (coming soon) Book 27: The UnwelcomeWhile Superior Bodies Orlando markets itself to gay men and the Wysteria Hotel to the psychic community, everyone is welcome at both. OK, not everyone. Among the unwelcome who visited both in 2018 were a retired Times Square pimp of underage boys, who thought he and Christian were kindred spirits, Elio’s extended family, who stayed in the new, second floor cubicles when their Kissimmee apartment building burned down, a group of trick-or-treaters who dressed as the victims of the 2016 hotel lobby shooting, Brandon’s father, Lil’ Jacob’s father and, are you sitting down? Linden’s father. As irritating as these people were, nothing was more unwelcome that year than Hurricane Matthew, during which, through a series of misunderstandings, Christian, Linden, Grayson and Blinka left Lil’ Jacob, Lil’ Samia and Wyn home alone, something for which the four parents will never forgive themselves, and shouldn’t.
DOWNLOAD HERE (coming soon) Book 29: Fixing Jacob KellyJoshua Kelly is murdered on a mission to save African elephants and his twin brother Jacob loses his mind. Or so it appears. When he’s able to speak Jacob does so as both himself and his late brother, like he’s possessed by Joshua’s spirit. To distract Jacob from his grief, Christian invites the brothers to Kingdom Come to see George Mayne and they agree. Their trip, however, is postponed by visits to Texas, Minnesota, Portland, New Hampshire, Bismarck and Montverde College, where the twins were Christian’s students. Find out how badly Christian plays Henry Higgins in a Portland Rose production of “My Fair Lady,” how much his fifty-two year old ass raises for charity in the Superior Bodies Lake Winnipesaukee “Whore-A-Thon,” how much more vindictive the Montverde student body has become since Christian’s Coven, and if he is able to fix Jacob Kelly.
DOWNLOAD HERE (coming soon) Book 31: Superior MuttsBentley Howard produces a thirteen-episode action series starring Grayson and Blinka Abel, a show that requires them to film in as many locations throughout the United States. Gray’s absence leaves Christian Gallagher in charge of Superior Mutts, and doesn’t he have a good time? Among his duties is convincing a wealthy trans woman obsessed with “Dynasty,” “Dallas,” and other eighties nighttime soap operas to quit breeding toy dogs whose litters she names after their casts; talking the old owner of an old Shi ‘Tzu out of euthanizing himself with his dog, a service Gray has provided without his knowledge; and recruiting the arch enemy directors of Orlando Pomeranian Rescue and Central Florida Pomeranian Rescue in a mission to save the survivors of a Georgia-based Pomeranian puppy mill. Less exciting is fostering the challenging daughters of a piece-of-shit couple who bred Irish Setters in the back yard of their piece-of-shit house in piece-of-shit Groveland. Not to worry as everything works out for Christian the rescue, though it takes one girl stabbing the other for it to occur, and sometimes that just needs to happen, you know?
DOWNLOAD COMING SOON Book 33: Got Your BackChristian Gallagher invests in the Fortieth Anniversary reboot and re-release of the classic 1980 gay adult film “Got Your Back,” which had been shot at a campground on the grounds of the formerly grand Hennessey mansion in Dutchess County, New York. Having fallen on hard times, the Hennessey family has turned their Regency-era home into a hotel and leased their property to the Boy Scouts and concert producers. Christian goes bonkers over the opportunities to produce the film, which features original models still hot in their sixties, rescue the hotel from bankruptcy, and return the 444-acre property to forest land. In so doing our hero enjoys recreating his high school role as Mary Tyrone in “Long Day’s Journey,” arranging a flash mob of “The Hustle” at the Orlando Airport featuring only those family and friends over fifty years old, and, are you sitting down? surviving a handful of angry locals’ attempt to kidnap and castrate him and his brothers. Yeah, always a good time in Christian Gallagher’s busy life.
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Book 10: The Maitlands of Montverde
Bentley Howard produces a reality show at Montverde College featuring Ben Maitland, a sci-fi/fantasy TV icon, and his son Reid. Christian Gallagher's influence steers the show away from the college and to the animal rights movement in which he has become active. The effort results in wacky and effective demonstrations, a couple of the rescue of a couple of precious mutts and a significant increase in viewership. Everyone's happy, including the babies Christian and Linden adopt from the Bismark crisis nursery, until visiting Montverde professor Sean Gallagher discovers something that will make the first season of "The Maitlands of Montverde" its last.
Book 12: The Wedding Party
Christian Gallagher returns to Rowaneck to be a groomsman for his needy and irritating high school classmate Erin Fleming and her loser fiance. Also in the wedding party are their still-sexy-at-sixty-eight social studies teacher Bobby O’Day and three other classmates: artist and former model Sabrina Landon, author Jonathan Tanner and Broadway star Cassandra Frankel. As so often happens in Christian’s world, someone dies, though in this case he didn’t do it. Instead he and Rowaneck Police Chief Victor van den Bosch, to whom Christian lost his virginity after watching “Valley of the Dolls” in 1979, figure out who did. As interesting as all of this is, the best part of his visit, to him, the Rowaneck High student body and millions of youtube viewers, is when Christian winds up an impromptu Career Day presentation at Rowneck High by launching himself off the stage of the school auditorium at a sixteen year-old who makes the very large mistake of insulting one of the Gallaghers, who were, are and will always be in the coolest family in Rowaneck.
Book 14: The Orient Express
A series of events that include his nephew Billy’s suicide and discovering that he and two former classmates have no memory of second grade lead Christian Gallagher to spend the summer of 2011 recalling that lost year and demonstrating unusually wacky and increasingly violent behavior. Linden, his friends and family watch Christian commit arson, beat up a couple of Lady Lake teen punks and slash the washboard abs of twin models hired to be his dates to the Superior Bodies Atlanta grand opening. Forty-five year old Christian ultimately remembers the horribly violent experience that occurred in the spring of 1974 and the classic movie that inspired it as he tracks down Buck Owen in order to stab him twelve times for having caused the death of five superior mutts years before. Christian Gallagher has long enjoyed administering justice to wrongdoers. What a delightful surprise for him to discover his murderous vigilantism began at age SEVEN.
Book 16: Blue
Investigative journalist, author and transgender woman Bina Dunkle visits Orlando and Superior Bodies in order to participate in the Florida Film Festival, as it will feature the work of reclusive 60’s child star Deacon “Blue” Ducette, whose biography she wrote. Sadly, she can’t make it because she gets murdered in the club’s lounge. Though not a formal suspect, a generally unconcerned Christian Gallagher is assaulted by Bina’s lover, her brothers, the investigating detective and even her real killer. Each time he is rescued by Charlie “Crock” Crockett, a grizzled old Florida cracker and Superior Bodies’ newest staff member, whose real identity is revealed when he tackles one of Christian’s assailants into the pool. Poor old Crock loses his brown contact lenses, revealing eyes that are a striking shade of “Blue.”
Book 18: Poolside at Homefires
Charlie Cash and Charlie Murray live incognito at a motel in Santa Fe, spending their days by the piece of shit pool and getting into everyone’s personal business. Among their new friends are a flaky foster mother and the five boys who look after her, a couple of lonely middle-school bookworms, two Mexican kids orphaned by a drug cartel and a baseball prodigy who enjoys getting up in drag and winning pre-teen beauty pageants while no one’s looking. Christian (sorry, "Charlie") considers these kids and determines he needs to create a baseball team even though he knows nothing about the sport. Enjoy him coach the Homefire Homies, a team that makes the Bad News Bears look, you know, white, male, privileged and, what’s the word? Oh right, NORMAL.
Book 20: Baker Steele & Other Grand Things
Rowaneck's chief of police and Christian's first lay, Victor Van Den Bosch, is on life support after being attacked as he investigated a rare murder in the New York City suburb. Christian risks arrest to visit his old lover, sharing memories of high school adventures he had with their mutual friend Baker Steele. They include a visit to the notorious Action Park ("Traction Park," "Class Action Park") in New Jersey, playing Mary to Baker's James Tyrone in their senior year production of "Long Day's Journey Into Night," and going to prom on Baker's arm. Christian discovers quickly who hurt V-Bosch, and he and Baker dispatch the attacker in the grand way Christian, his loved ones and everyone in wealthy, exclusive Rowaneck, New York, do everything.
Book 22: Places, BitchBentley Howard, Samia Siva and the Kelly twins help Christian produce “My Fair Lady” at an all-black high school in a poor community adjacent to Wysteria. A bigger challenge than he thought, he asks his brother Sean for guidance. His advice causes Christian to reflect on his brother's greatest hits, including a talent show he arranges on an airplane grounded on 9-11, a My Mother's Fleabag improv he inserts himself into in order to show up the troupe's manipulative director, and a Rowaneck High School production of “Carousel” in which Sean arranges for their siblings to appear as the Snow children. It's a performance Christian risks arrest to recreate with Joan, William Jr., Colin, Thomas and Matthew for Sean, at the Portland Rose Theater Company.
Book 24: SB 3, Sabrina and Me
Sabrina Landon joins Christian in a tour of Superior Bodies clubs that also includes visits to his friends in Wayward, Mississippi, Albuquerque and Chicago. Among the new clubs he visits is one staffed exclusively by military veterans with severe physical disabilities, another exclusively by Haitians, all of whom are devout Catholics, and a third exclusively by buff young men all of whom are required to add a 'y' to the end of their names, even Carl (“Carly”) and Juan (“Juany”). Most exciting, and dangerous, is a visit they make to upstate New York to see Christian's Uncle Jimmy, a retired priest they discover is living in circumstances similar to those Aunt Bonnie had several years before. Enjoy Christian and Sabrina as they crash Peter and Olan Brody's strip show posing as their parents, arrange a funeral mass Christian conducts and, as so often happens, kill evil people.
DOWNLOAD HERE (coming soon) Book 26: DaywalkersDChristian Gallagher reluctantly remembers Boston College, where he spent four years living in a beautiful old Victorian house he and his three roommates named “Venable,” after Sebastian Venable from Tennessee Williams' “Suddenly Last Summer.” What was a safe place for Bob, Nick, Scooter and Christian, four gay students at the generally homophobic Catholic university in the mid-eighties, became an exclusive salon, invitations to whose soirees were sought after by the school and city's elite. Venable's residents come to think of themselves as very special indeed: working out, hosting orgies and carrying themselves as vampires able to endure the sun. Their hauteur is punished as each of the roommates suffers a comeuppance so severe and sad it takes Christian thirty years to acknowledge Venable and its Daywalkers.
DOWNLOAD HERE (coming soon) Book 28: Ford’s FathersShortly after he was born in 1998, an infant named Buford was dropped off at the downtown Orlando fire station. The firefighters adopted the baby as theirs, and a handful of them fostered “Ford” for the next eighteen years. Those fellas included Payne, Eddie, Adam, Addison, Jere and Blaine, and while Ford’s story is interesting, his six fathers’ are really interesting. Each one of the men touches Ford in a significant way, however, there’s nothing like DNA to determine a person’s personality, and guess who Ford’s biological father turns out to be?
HINT: it ain’t Elio… DOWNLOAD HERE (coming soon) Book 30: When Can You Start?Someone drops a stray Portuguese Water Dog at Superior Mutts and Gray discovers drugs have been sewn into his body. Christian alerts his FBI friend Everett Jones, but still intends to discover who used “Bam-Bam” as a mule and to take him and his network out. At the same time Superior Bodies hires a bunch of new employees, all of them wacky and interesting, because Christian and Linden are wealthy enough to risk hiring lousy employees so long as they’re entertaining. See how well these newcomers do at their jobs, and, more importantly, how club members and guests react when they discover drug traffickers separately take Christian and Ann-Margret Koonz hostage. Yeah, big mistake, drug traffickers...BFM!!!
DOWNLOAD HERE (coming soon) Book 32: A Body of WorkA teenage Superior Mutts employee enrolls in an elite boarding school Christian Gallagher learns is corrupt and evil, so naturally he has to get involved and, you know, investigate. A psychic friend casts an anonymity spell on him so he can get an admin job at the school. There he meets and solves the problems of a boy whose stepmother killed his mother, married his father and then framed the poor guy; a teacher who lost her nursing license and did time after posing as the mother of a dying boy in order to authorize the donation of his organs when his real mother wouldn’t; and a boy who starts his own “To Catch a Predator” channel on Youtube and loses his mind after catching his own perverted father. All these conflicts are important and everything, but Christian’s greatest success is producing a killer finale to the school’s annual talent show. SPOILER ALERT: the school turns out to be OK, the anonymity spell doesn’t work and the final musical act puts to shame similar numbers from “Dirty Dancing,” “Sister Act 2” and all the “Pitch Perfects.”
DOWNLOAD COMING SOON Book 34: Going ViralFBI Special Agent Everett Jones asks Christian to drive with him to New Jersey after he finds the son he sired at fifteen, a boy who was kidnapped from the hospital where he was born. At the same time Christian’s niece Lauren is having drama with her two husbands and needs some of her uncle’s attention. She agrees to join them on a road trip during which they have adventures, so many of which are recorded and go viral Jacob Kelly creates a website for them. Videos include the travelers rescuing a couple of girls from drowning at a Jacksonville neach, singing karaoke at a truck stop in Chatanooga, and shooting a horror movie at Superior Bodies Johnson City, a former funeral home, in less than twelve hours. Their biggest challenge, however, is preventing Everett’s son Adam from doing time after he kills the abusive woman who stole him at two days old. OK, it’s a challenge for Everett and Lauren. For Christian Gallagher of the Rowaneck Gallagher’s, saving Adam Jones, who’s looking at twenty years for manslaughter, is as easy as pouring his morning coffee, and way more delicious.
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Book 35: Moving Bodies IIMatthew Gallagher invites Christian and his children to spend the holidays at the Hennessey mansion and hotel in New York State so the kids can enjoy their first white Christmas. He does, leaving them in the care of his brother, Joan and their friends Joe and Holly Hennessey while he meddles in the private lives of Bete Noire residents. Christian discovers the locals are even wackier than the freaks at Superior Bodies Orlando. More interesting, however, are the number of people he has pissed off over the years who follow him to Dutchess County with the intention of taking him out. Honestly, enemies he forgot he made appear in the hotel and on its grounds wielding guns, knives and other weapons. The dumbasses don’t realize they’re taking on not just the apparently indestructible Christian Gallagher, but six of his eight children. It doesn’t snow once during their two week visit, but the family is too busy moving bodies to care.
DOWNLOAD HERE (coming soon) Book 37: Superior Bodies: The MusicalChristian is bored so he gets in everyone’s business in an effort to be busy and useful. Frustrated with his interferences, his family and friends suggest he produce a musical based on the gay gym and bathhouse he has owned and operated for over twenty years. Our boy jumps on it, writing, producing directing, and casting Garrett Abel as Christian Gallagher. As everyone assumes Christian will lock Garrett in a closet opening night so he can go on as himself, he includes, in the finale, a bit where he and Linden dance to their song, Coldplay’s “Sky Full of Stars.” During rehearsals, Christian discovers his neighbor Ann Bucinni, who plays Rhoda Rage, lost a son to suicide. After he died her husband and a second son went AWOL. Christian immediately finds reuniting the family as important as the show, so he takes Grayson on a road trip to find them. “Superior Bodies: The Musical,” which also includes Grayson, Blinka and a chorus line of towel clad men who display their behinds in the final number, is a large enough hit to receive national press. So hot is it everyone Christian and his peeps have ever met fly to the Orlando to make rear-end revealing cameos.
Everyone but Mrs. Bucinni’s husband and son. DOWNLOAD HERE (coming soon) Book 39: Kidnapped and Kidnapped and KidnappedBetween fall of 2022 and spring of 2023, Christian Gallagher gets kidnapped, three times. The first is by an up & coming Argentinian crime family looking for a ransom. The third is by Wyn’s biological father, whose hired thugs try to steal the boy but take Christian when he gets in the way. The second, and most entertaining, is by political mover & shaker William Weaver, with whom Christian spent a night following a fundraiser for the District of Columbia’s library system years before. Weaver’s insane son Wayne has a dream of operating a Superior Bodies and marrying Christian and the old man makes it happen, in the gym of a prison-turned Section 8 housing complex in rural Nevada. Rather than whine about his circumstances, Christian stays busy encouraging residents to decorate their jail cells, coordinating a pumpkin carving contest, funding a Secret Santa, creating a rock and roll band, starting a pet rescue and writing & producing “Gay Scrooge,” starring an older gay resident. Find out how Christian’s family finds him, whom they send to rescue him and whom they kill in arguably the wackiest of our boy’s adventures.
Book 41: A Lot of Stuff HappensChristian Gallagher learns zoning laws are changing in his hometown that will affect its loveliness. He, Linden, his siblings and their spouses aren’t having it and descend on Rowaneck in order to stop it. The Gallaghers find themselves busy doing more than influencing a village trustee vote, though. Their activities include engaging in limousine races; joining an iron man competition; arranging a concert for a young St. Sebastian priest who has a killer voice; banging old female residents (Colin); opening Playland in Rye for a private visit; and meeting the cancer-free woman who wore a wig of Deirdre Gallagher’s hair during her chemo treatment. Stuff went on in Orlando and Wysteria, too, however most interesting of all the goings-on is the Gallagher grandchild who goes undercover in Rowaneck, fooling his/her entire family, and the Gallagher sib who remains in the village after the vote.
Yes, Rowaneck, the Gallaghers are back, and one of them is stayin’. |
Book 36: Sixteen AnniversariesBlinka Abel reminds Christian and Linden their sixteenth anniversary is approaching. They advise her they don’t celebrate their anniversaries, mostly because Deidre Gallagher died so soon after they got married. Appalled, Blinka insists they celebrate one a week for the next sixteen. They don’t. Instead they hire a double-murderer from Rowaneck after he finishes a thirty-five year prison term, discover the staff of St. Louis’ Superior Bodies is really a worldwide justice team only slightly less effective than Samia’s, locate Christian’s late, psychic, gay uncle John’s son, granddaughter and great granddaughter, and punish the morons who thought it was a good idea to kidnap and hold for ransom Deirdre’s grandson and granddaughter Chet and Bettylynn. After four months Blinka asks Christian how many anniversaries he and Linden celebrated among all that drama and he says, sincerely “Whenever I’m in his company it’s a celebration.”
DOWNLOAD HERE (coming soon) BOOK 38: Camp Suki-WardaThe Gallagher siblings own the Hennessey mansion outside Bete Noire in Dutchess County, New York. The grounds include Camp Suki-Warda, which the Boy Scouts of America leased for years. The camp remains empty and overgrown until Samia Siva decides she’s going to use it for a conversion camp. She and Jacob Kelly create a fake church that invites parents of gay kids to send them to Suki-Warda to convert them. Thirty gay and lesbian adolescents arrive the first weekend in June, 2022, to find that the Church of the Ever-Blessed Savior and Redeemer doesn’t exist and the kids are going to spend the next two months having fun being gay. Activities include learning self-defense, sending effective hate mail, attending a private performance of “Dear Evan Hanson” in Manhattan featuring Ben Platt and celebrating Christmas in July in custom made pajamas with feet that elderly Bete Noire volunteers make for them. The camp comes under scrutiny by competing conversion camps and the FBI. Samia, Christian and his family know the fake conversia-camp is a one-time thing and, so, make it the best eight weeks of the campers’ lives.
DOWNLOAD HERE (coming soon) Book 40: The GodmotherChristian Gallagher spends the summer of 2023 sitting at the Superior Bodies pool where he receives strangers who want favors from him. The requests come from a sketch comedy troupe who wants him to produce a show featuring clever material that is so offensive no theater will host them; a chemist who wants him to promote urinal cakes that smell like bakery cakes; an actress who wants to play Rhoda Rage in “Superior Bodies: The Musical: The Movie,” a role he’s already offered Mrs. Bucinni; a gay quadriplegic who wants to make it with him (spoiler alert: Christian agrees, of course); a Star Trek-loving couple who want Superior Bodies to host their Bajoran wedding, in which the bride and groom appear naked (a quick yes to that, too); and the mother of a teenager who has killed his father and grandmother, who wants him to murder her son before he takes her out, too. Christian also agrees to that, though he doesn’t do it himself. The person…people, that is, who execute the kid both shock and impress Christian, Linden and their entire family. See who does it and how.
Book 42: StatchThe death of a classmate’s father with whom an adolescent Christian Gallagher had a fling leads him to reveal the several men he banged as a kid. One of them is John “Fitz” FitzGerald, an eighty-two-year-old vampire who was turned while fighting in France during World War I. Christian and Fitz are in the same homeroom junior year at Rowaneck High. Christian suspects his friend and, later, boyfriend is a vampire because he never eats, wears sunscreen and long sleeves on even cloudy days, and, with his bare hands, moved a car in the school parking lot that was taking two spaces. Fitz asks Christian to let him turn him, however our boy isn’t prepared to give up his family. The boys enjoy a near year-long romance during which Fitz and his vampire brother Bellamy charm Christian’s parents, siblings, extended family and most of Rowaneck. Our boy would be happy dating his vamp boyfriend for as long as he can get away without aging past seventeen; however, Fitz can’t invest any more than a year in a romance with someone who won’t spend eternity with him. Still, what a year it is.
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